Tired

I'm tired of rocking back and forth in my corner. What I want is to be home with my dog, watching the snow outside and pretending that life isn't so much of whirlwind or shitstorm and that I hadn't made so many mistakes. I am starting to be convinced that a great lot of this is my fault, and deep down I know that it isn't, but I can't help but find someone to blame for misunderstandings and unfullfilled expectations. What I want is someone to appreciate the Christmas tree with. It took a lot of work.

This rant is the direct result of one of the worst weekends ever down here, and I didn't think that was possible. And in that spirit I may perhaps erase it soon. But I can't sleep thinking about everything, and I'm tired of it living in my head. I close my eyes and try to find solace and peace, but I just find myself getting more anxious.

Christmas is coming. The New Year is right behind it. And I look back with nothing to show for it. Nothing but shambles really. Broken spirit, my dream miles beyond sight, friends becoming acquaintances and visions of the road I took to get here fading into memory and oblivion.

Confession: A few nights ago, I asked God to take me back to this time last year; back when critical decisions were made and plans were set into motion. So maybe...just maybe...something different could have happened. I asked but there was no response. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I hope no one reads this. But I have no one else to talk to about it.