I wish the color of the sky didn’t so resemble the color of my mood this break. Friends have left and I am working, ever so “diligently” [the sarcasm of my quotations should be thoroughly communicated and re-iterated] at the store, trying to hold back my facial manifestations of boredom and annoyance unintentionally directed towards the regulars who have come in and engage in the futile chit-chat they feel so necessary to have with me. Right after the useless weather or sports conversation, they do the following things just in this order, every time:
1) Order the form of tobacco or porn to fill their systems with. It’s the same every time, and they know I know what it is…but they always ask in the same way. And those who buy the porn never look me in the face…and never say a word, making the four minute discourse very awkward.
2) Forget, when making a purchase, that money is NECESSARY in order to complete said transaction. And OF COURSE, they have to pay with exact change. So they fumble through their pockets.
3) They forget they don’t have the change, so the last two minutes was actually spent deciding that they are going to use the credit card instead…which takes even longer.
4) They forget to say thank you. Sometimes, I feel like people should take classes on common courtesy. Despite the day someone is having, that “thank you” is a form of salvation from loss of sanity.
It is a holiday. Again. And this is when it all falls apart. Why I love school so much: it is a worthy and welcome distraction from life. I can bury myself with deadlines and busywork. And things that force me to be happy. It’s getting colder outside, and it’s forcing me to walk less and it makes me angry. When I walk less, there is less time to be outside. I am forced into crowded buses, into buildings with mindless banter in surround sound, into hallways cramped with people drowning in thoughts and stories and worries and dreams. Instead of being outside, counting my steps to myself, approached only by the random curious squirrel or the passing wind, accompanied only by the silence of solace and the whisper of days gone by. So that I can think up the words that will force my darkest thoughts to turn into ideas, and so that I can fill the pages of this journal with such thoughts, and so that they will no longer have to live in my head or my heart.
No more drama. I need this to be fun again. I want all the darkness in my world to disappear. I want to start up school again. I want to publish my words. I want to build things. I want to name things. I want to see my best friend. I want it to be Monday. I want my friends and my family to all be happy.
…something to be thankful for.
Enjoy the break.
Earth-Shattering Revelation #19: When cities crumble, and darkness becomes the heart of man, and confusion becomes the only moral compass the little bit of sanity within you seeks... only then do you find out who you truly are and only then can you weep and let it consume you. Otherwise suck it up. Don't do the drama thing. Eat ice cream, be happy.