Sunday, August 26, 2012

Don't Fade Away

It's been a long time since I've written (it's been a year apparently), but don't think I haven't been thinking.  Because that would be wrong, quite wrong.  A dear friend started writing again and that got me to start thinking about it too.  It would seem that I only do silly things like write or go to church or take walks or any of these simple wonderful things when life is tumultously spiraling downward.  And that would be true, I guess, and I really need to do something about that.

When I went to church, it felt like home and it had been a long time since I've done that too.  I don't know why, but I've felt like I didn't belong in such a place for a while.  And that is all I will say about that.  There's a dog that has been staying with us.  She belongs to this family from the studio I teach at, and she reminds me a lot of Baxter, who I miss every day.  She is the same mixed breed, same in characteristics, same in behaviors, same deep, beady, wise, thoughtful eyes.  I miss that kind of understanding.  She goes home today, and I am more sad about that than I should be.  I've been reading the Perks of Being a Wallflower again.  I guess I've been seeking the company of another person who's discovering the world again too.  I imagine I'll read it one more time after this.

My brother and his wife came to visit this past weekend, and it felt like the first time I've really been with them wholeheartedly, completely open and honest.  I'm really glad they came.  We were at the wharf last night and we stood in line to wait for the cable car and I sang a song quietly to myself, as I always have.  The kind of song you sing when you don't think anyone's listening, you know what I mean?  Well, it turns out the woman in front of me was listening the whole time.  She turned around, gave me a glance and smiled.  I think she liked my song, even though it wasn't meant for an audience, and that was really important to me.

Some things I feel like I need to do are take pictures again, find time to be with the people in my life (whatever that means) and listen to more Ray LaMontagne, because he knows things most people in this world don't.

I am broke.  Broken.  But Happy.

Current Music: Ray LaMontagne - Burn
Earth-Shattering Revelation #31: "We accept the love we think we deserve."