Anticipation

It was around midnight, and I looked around my room, not quite feeling like it was the right place to be. So, I went down to the garage. And I cleaned it.

I had worked an eight-hour Ben&Jerry shift, where I was visited by Ben and Audra which was cool, and got home, not exactly feeling all together good. But a surge of energy pulsed within me, and so I focused this energy on something I felt to be more or less productive. So I spent the next four hours cleaning out every crevice of the garage, sweeping out every dead worm, ushering out the live ones, rearranging all of the old boards and knickknacks and moving very large tables and furniture, all the while making an obnoxious amount of noise in the wee hours of the morning. I however didn’t feel that it was necessary to be concerned about how the neighbors felt. Or the skunk that decided to walk by to see what the noise was all about. The garage was gross. But now, it is bearable again. At least I can fly to Italy not having to worry about the garage. Or the laundry room. Or the kitchen. Tomorrow, I’ll take care of the bathrooms. The next day, I’ll do damage control on my bedroom. After the garage was put back together, I decided to take what I didn’t anticipate to be, one of the best most refreshing showers ever before realizing I was hungry. I inevitably then got dressed, packed up the laptop and some money and a disc of friends episodes and shipped out to Perkins at 4:00am. And now, here I sit.

I am getting extremely excited about Ben & Audra’s (inset with Joe) wedding on the thirteenth. Audra and I will drive to Dubuque, Iowa on the 7^th, and will spend a week checking out Master Schmidt’s studio and a whole bunch of things that will acquaint me with her city. What concerns me however, is the fact that not many people are taking my officiation of their wedding very seriously. They think its either “funny” or “weird” or “wrong” which may or may not be right, but I haven’t gotten any positive reinforcement from anyone except from the bride and groom [which I know is all that matters]. They’re two of my best friends and they felt it was fitting for me to do this for them. And I am honored. But I can’t help thinking that what I’m doing SHOULDN’T be taken seriously. Or should it? Either way, I will do my best, and it will be a special day. I CANNOT wait; apparently, the week before the wedding will be spent running around Dubuque getting ready and will be supplemented by a couple of days after the wedding hanging out there before Ben and Audra and I drive to Chicago and fly home from there (they of course will be shipping out to their honeymoon at some Mexican island). My little vacation to Iowa will be HOTT.

On top of that, I can’t contain my excitement about ITALY; people keep asking me “when are you leaving?” and I’m still at, “holy crap, I am going to be leaving.” And that means being away from all of this bullshit at last. I keep looking through the travel magazines at work, I look up Rome picture sites online and keep leafing through all of my pre-departure materials, despite having read them three times over already. I talked to one of the people who are going, and the kid seems cool; he’s from PSU, still in town actually for the summer, and is on the same flights arriving in Italy from Philadelphia. I looked through our suitcases at home and brought one down from the attic and cleaned it out. My laptop is ready to go and so are my passport, visa, and travel arrangements. Now…I just need time to pass before I can get the fuck out of here.

I saw James McKenna today. I walked up and shook his hand. Always interesting. And now, I’m not too sure if I want dessert. I deserve it, but I don’t want to spend any more money.

Cashing In

So I picked up yet another job yesterday. It’s a good one. The count is up to four for the summer (including ones I quit). Ben & Jerry’s is still extremely high on my list of favorite jobs, Olivia Village is top priority, the Penn State Bookstore was a waste of my time except for never returning out of spite and still getting over 300 dollars from them for work that I actually did. And finally, helping out my friends’ line-painting business Aztec Linear which is actually a lot of fun [fyi, the new parking lines at the Benner Pike Wal-Mart extension including the handicap signs, arrows, crosshatches and stopbars were all a big part of my weekend], not to mention good money. So in terms of money and jobs right now, I really can’t complain very much at all.

My big summer blockbuster events are fast approaching: The day before Audra and I leave for Iowa, I have to head to Philadelphia for a very important orientation regarding Rome this fall. I can’t wait to meet other people in the program as well as learn more about what is going to be happening within the next month in terms of predeparture. Then, all of that nervous and anxious energy will be directed towards an awesome twelve-hour long drive to Dubuque, Iowa on the 7th, where I will spend the week with Audra [the bride]’s friends and family and acquainting myself with the town before the big wedding on the 13^th. Upon arrival back in State College, I will work as much as possible and deposit my last checks all the while, making an attempt at formulating my goodbyes to a town that has been my constant home, to friends who have been my constant support system for the short months that will follow.

It is thundering now. The rain is soothing and so was my shower. I had just watched a few episodes of my favorite shows on television and am slowly getting very tired and feeling the pleasant pain in my hamstrings and my back. And finally as my eyelids grow heavier, I begin to realize, I’m starting to feel the calm of summers past once again.

And I sleep.

3:00 AM

I wonder what its like to be free. While I dance, while I play, while I'm drunk I feel the ever watchful eyes of something higher and more important looming over me... I can't seem to enjoy the simplicity of just being; the need to belong and the need to be right and the feeling of being comfortable is getting in the way of the things I feel like I should be experiencing.

Here's the thing: I keep too many secrets, I want everyone around me to be happy (with me), cannot deal with those who are disappointed with me and I refuse to feel committed. So ultimately, I become engrossed with trying to empathize with people and consumed by my limitations as a human being, a son, a brother, a friend. Especiallly that last one; that role doesn't come with a definition, it means pretty much anything you need it to be at any given time...and that is what hurts sometimes, that the meaning of friendship becomes simply a convenience to me; and is the reason I can't seem to involve myself in a real relationship or friendships that don't require justification.

A world of expectations becomes your whole life: those on you and those you impose upon the world. It becomes a hassle to reconcile the two, and so you break down and decide which is more important...right now, I'm beginning to feel that my expectations I have of the world seem to be more important to me...seem to be more relevant. And so, therein lies the freedom.

I am drunk. :) It may perhaps be responsible for this nonsense. Or maybe the nonsense is what comprises the wall of pressure behind my inhibitions that I bid farwewell to two hours ago over a ridiculously priced pitcher of long island ice tea at the Saloon. Regardless, I feel a bit of that freedom right now; the feeling of that pressure is almost completely dulled and I can't get this nasty grin off my face. The blaring music still rings in my ears. I am no alcoholic; just a desperate and lonely fellow in need of release.

Earth-Shattering Revelation #16: Drinks Are Expensive during ArtsFest. :(

The First of Forever.

Mass confusion seems cheap these days. It sits on retail shelves, waiting for the hoardes of people to go ahead and plug themselves into the chaos already. Maybe I will subscribe. In that case, I won't feel so weird about how confused I am about everything; I can attribute it to an impulse buy. In any case, I bid you welcome to my new home. I don't really know how this will go, but I am happy that this new home has many rooms, a few hallways, many dark corners and a trap door or two. Wipe your feet at the door and make yourself comfortable. Hopefully, I will be able to entertain you.