Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I saw a man today walking along the sidewalk path just in front of the car. His clothes were worn and his posture sullen indicating the shear weight burdening him from his backpack slung across his left shoulder. His jacket told stories of the harsh weather of days past, of the empty bottles that slept at his side and in his company during cold rainy nights and the driest of days in the sweltering summer. Beneath which hid what was once seemingly a white shirt, a red circle lazily screened across its chest with bluish green spokes emanating from a central point, an indiscernible insignia. He wore the brim of his hat high along the crown of his forehead, revealing an unyielding determination in his line of sight. And though he walked steadily and solidly, the holes in his olive brown shoes exhibited his tired, unwashed feet beyond the thin fabric and incompletely tied laces strewn about and swinging forward and back with each stride.

And yet he walked. His eyes were so very forward, squinting as if to see that all his work was not in vain, that his destination lay just beyond the next horizon. There were no distractions, just a perseverance to arrive at his destination. Southbound. The sun had started to his left and will inevitably end at his right as he continues on, nothing on earth to him save for what covered him at the moment, the handful of belongings in his sack and the stories playing constantly in his head, as vivid as his spirit would permit. He had no friends to keep tabs on. No one in sight to care about, to be hurt by, to abandon. And with no one to abandon him but the setting sun. But he kept on without apprehension, reserve or hesitation. He knows a very different kind of peace.

And in the moment, I wanted to be him.


I don't have many hopes. I have fewer wishes. I don't have a dream.

I harbor no jealousies and entertain no false assumptions. I am a good person. I am a worthy friend. I am sinless. I find loss to be a source of strength, not weakness. I don't remember every little thing. I forgive easily and feel that this is a just existence. I am comfortable in my own skin and am easy in the company of others. I do no judge those around me. I do not filter my thoughts, and I keep my emotions hidden beyond the sight of those closest to me. I am always on time and can be depended on for anything. I do not fear failure. Home is just another place to me. I know all the answers to my deepest questions and light shines on every corner of my mind. And above all…in the surreal aftermath of reaching my quarter century, I can attempt to say that I know exactly what I am doing, where I am going and who I am. But that is the biggest lie of all.

I’m still that nerdy, insecure, fat kid seeking desperately for his rightful place in the big picture.

But I am waiting patiently for the last sad song to sing.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Rest in Pieces

I'm sad today. The deep, unrelenting kind. I can't stop thinking about it and it is keeping me from doing what it is I have to. Just need it to stop already.


And I hope that writing it down will help.