Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Rain, Don't Ever Go Away

We wear masks. Costumes. That’s all it really is, isn’t it? No crap about belief or faith or understanding can possibly fool people into thinking you are who you seem to be. Because just like everyone else…

…you lost that a long time ago.

I search my closet every morning for what to wear. The cold days are the easiest; more things to wear, to hide in, to conceal what I guess I don’t want the world to see or hear or feel about me. You know, the things that go on in my head. And have you ever had that one thing in your mind that sweeps up your every second and has you thinking about it and only it for the majority of the time you're awake, having you dream about it the majority of the time you're asleep ... all the while not relinquishing to you any attention to or control over your own thoughts?

Always felt or wish I can say exactly what I wanted to say to the people I wanted to say them to. Opened up every latent thought, every burning inclination, and verbalized passions and furies I would otherwise keep buried. But then the world wouldn't need important and necessary words like secret, solace or self.

I guess the way I operate these days is in cyclical patterns. Since past distractions are now absent and I remain absolutely at the mercy of my reluctance and a host of newfound insecurities, I find myself doing psychological damage control on a regular basis. And in so doing, for anyone, there comes a renewal and redefinition of what you will tolerate to keep yourself sane, and, if at all possible, happy. There also emerges a reaffirmation that those things you have needed to stay the same, and sweet, and comfortable and promising have been turned upside down and inside out. You can’t expect from those things anymore. And you certainly must accept them as they are now, despite any inclination to hold on to what no longer is or can be.

Yeah the cold weather definitely is nice. It’s the most familiar thing I’ve encountered here in Houston. It’s quite possibly the only thing I’ve been able to expect anything from. That and the rain. Every time it rains, nothing makes me happier than to sit next to the window, alone naturally, and listen to the sound it makes on the weathered brick of the courtyard beyond the glass of my window. I would turn off the lights, and watch as it cleanses the dirt and filth, the runoff slowly seeping back into the cold wet Earth. And with it, the burdens of my mind, the holds placed on my heart, and as the rain finishes its run across the city, it reveals in the emergent path that the world is as it should be.

It got up, moved on, and is inviting me to do the same.

But I have this dreadful feeling. This dreadful feeling that all we’ll ever be is ok.

Current Songs: Alicia Keys - Like You'll Never See Me Again
Earth-Shattering Revelation #23: Don't worry. Everyone else is going through it.