Sunday, March 28, 2010

Exit Wounds

And this is how it all ends for this reluctant and anxious Filipino cowboy. It is a crisp morning air that flows into the room from the rest of the world today, a flow of air that tells me the room is emptier and emptier with each passing moment. A box here, some junk there, and a consistent movement of stuff into Tito Edwin’s garage in Pearland. Each moment gets me excited to go do the “last” this and the “last” that just to prove that my time here was lasting, epic, real…valuable. And not just to me, but to the people I’ve met, have become close with, slept with, eaten meals and drank with. Laughed with.

But plans have been made about that dream thing I set out to reach three years ago and though fragments of it have come here and there in Houston, it will ultimately carry me out of here, because as I’ve faced the reality of it, that dream doesn’t live here. You'd think I’d have stopped making stupid or impulsive decisions like this years into my last big stupid impulsive decision, but I have to believe I can still make a life for myself, doing what I was put on earth to do and being accepted for it....just like the amazing people I surround myself with and admire. Hell, I’ve never been to San Francisco. So I don’t expect those who closely follow my life, if in the realest of realities there were any souls who did, to understand or support what I have set out to do once again, to reach the other side. In fact, I don’t believe anyone does, even when their words say otherwise and that is not what is most important to me. These relationships are what are most important to me. These beautiful lies they fill the air with in my final moments as a Texan is all a result of them needing me to feel comfortable with what results from my impulsiveness or stupidity. And I am ok with that, because I am not interested in proving them wrong, and am only interested in knowing that they are my friends, I love them and I need them.

The best friends are the ones you come across and teach you the substantial profound things about life…how to live in this world…how to laugh yourself silly…how to indulge in caring about something like your work or your loved ones or falling in love…the ones that throw parties for you when you leave because they want to celebrate this relationship they have with you and to remind you that they won’t forget you, knowing you’ll never forget them.
I’m finally done crying I think [even about that]…but maybe one last tear for leaving all of this to go do what I need to do and release them all from the responsibility of telling me everything’s going to be ok.

Thanks for having me, Houston. I really enjoyed life here.

Current Song: Joni Mitchell, “Case of You”

Earth-Shattering Revelation #25: “"There are two mistakes one can make along the road... not going all the way, and not starting."