Tuesday, December 18, 2007


When you hit rock bottom. That's when things happen. Because if they don't, you get buried. So there is only one direction, regardless what gets left behind.

Let's get moving, and leave this shit behind. Its passed now. And all that's left is a burning light at the end of another tunnel.

Going to stop dreading and dwelling and start moving and smiling again.

Sunday, December 16, 2007


I'm tired of rocking back and forth in my corner. What I want is to be home with my dog, watching the snow outside and pretending that life isn't so much of whirlwind or shitstorm and that I hadn't made so many mistakes. I am starting to be convinced that a great lot of this is my fault, and deep down I know that it isn't, but I can't help but find someone to blame for misunderstandings and unfullfilled expectations. What I want is someone to appreciate the Christmas tree with. It took a lot of work.

This rant is the direct result of one of the worst weekends ever down here, and I didn't think that was possible. And in that spirit I may perhaps erase it soon. But I can't sleep thinking about everything, and I'm tired of it living in my head. I close my eyes and try to find solace and peace, but I just find myself getting more anxious.

Christmas is coming. The New Year is right behind it. And I look back with nothing to show for it. Nothing but shambles really. Broken spirit, my dream miles beyond sight, friends becoming acquaintances and visions of the road I took to get here fading into memory and oblivion.

Confession: A few nights ago, I asked God to take me back to this time last year; back when critical decisions were made and plans were set into motion. So maybe...just maybe...something different could have happened. I asked but there was no response. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I hope no one reads this. But I have no one else to talk to about it.