I wonder what its like to be free. While I dance, while I play, while I'm drunk I feel the ever watchful eyes of something higher and more important looming over me... I can't seem to enjoy the simplicity of just being; the need to belong and the need to be right and the feeling of being comfortable is getting in the way of the things I feel like I should be experiencing.
Here's the thing: I keep too many secrets, I want everyone around me to be happy (with me), cannot deal with those who are disappointed with me and I refuse to feel committed. So ultimately, I become engrossed with trying to empathize with people and consumed by my limitations as a human being, a son, a brother, a friend. Especiallly that last one; that role doesn't come with a definition, it means pretty much anything you need it to be at any given time...and that is what hurts sometimes, that the meaning of friendship becomes simply a convenience to me; and is the reason I can't seem to involve myself in a real relationship or friendships that don't require justification.
A world of expectations becomes your whole life: those on you and those you impose upon the world. It becomes a hassle to reconcile the two, and so you break down and decide which is more important...right now, I'm beginning to feel that my expectations I have of the world seem to be more important to me...seem to be more relevant. And so, therein lies the freedom.
I am drunk. :) It may perhaps be responsible for this nonsense. Or maybe the nonsense is what comprises the wall of pressure behind my inhibitions that I bid farwewell to two hours ago over a ridiculously priced pitcher of long island ice tea at the Saloon. Regardless, I feel a bit of that freedom right now; the feeling of that pressure is almost completely dulled and I can't get this nasty grin off my face. The blaring music still rings in my ears. I am no alcoholic; just a desperate and lonely fellow in need of release.
Earth-Shattering Revelation #16: Drinks Are Expensive during ArtsFest. :(
1 comment:
UNSOLICITED ADVICE:
If your goal is to make people like you, not being yourself isn't the way to do it. People aren't dumb, and they can tell when you aren't being completely honest with yourself or them.
Plus, you're pretty darn cool as you are :) . Why mess with that? Anyway, nobody wants to be friends with someone who's perfect. We're not perfect either.
Nobody can have everyone in the world like them (who'd want to, anyway, honestly). Wouldn't you rather have the people that like you like you for who you really are, rather than some fake, idealized Don you have in your head?
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